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The Inherent Parent Blog

How Do I Find A Therapist for My Child?

6/24/2022

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If you've made the decision that your child could benefit from working with a therapist, how do you go about finding one? It can be harder than you'd think. 
First of all, there is a national shortage of child therapists, unfortunately. The pandemic has exacerbated that, as some therapists who previously worked with children moved to seeing clients virtually and weren't comfortable doing so with kids. Second, the pandemic created a bigger demand in the need for child providers, as referrals increased in both quantity and intensity.  Here is a step-by-step guide to finding someone: 
  1. Have an idea of what you're looking for. Do you want someone who specializes in working with kids, or is someone who works with kids in addition to every other age okay? Do you want someone well versed in treatments for trauma, anxiety, or divorce, or are you looking for someone who knows a little bit about everything? Is it important that the therapist has toys available in their office for sessions, or would strictly talk-therapy work for your child? Knowing the answers to these things can help you narrow down what you want in a therapist, and even better, what you don't. 
  2. Do you need to use health insurance? If so, start there. Go to the website that's listed on the back of your insurance card to find out which providers in your area are paneled with your insurance. You can investigate some of those therapists and cross reference them with the things you were interested in from step one. 
  3. Now the next step should be that you call a few of the providers that matched in steps one and two and make an appointment. Unfortunately that's not usually the case. Step three will really be that you find a therapist you think could be a good fit, call to make an appointment, and they are not accepting new clients. In that case, step three becomes get on as many waiting lists as you can. There's no obligation to book something with them if you've found another therapist first, but if you've spent three months looking for a therapist to no avail, you could have possibly been next up on someone else's waiting list in that time. 
  4. Note if you have flexibility. Do you have a flexible schedule? Let the office know on your first call that you could bring your child during the day. After- school appointments fill up fastest, then early morning slots. Sometimes the 11am appointments may be difficult to fill, so you could be more likely to get one of those if you can come in the middle of the day. The same goes for other areas: flexibility in in-person vs. virtual sessions, insurance vs. paying out of pocket, and in specific therapist is going to make the pool of possible therapists exponentially larger.
  5. If you have to leave a message or fill out a form online, concisely mention a little about what's going on and how you can be flexible, if possible. "Hi, this is Jane Smith calling on behalf of my 5 year old, John. We're looking for someone who works with kids with anxiety, we have ABC Healthcare, and we can come at any time." I can easily answer that request in one quick email- I know immediately if we can accommodate that need. If the message says "Hi this is Jane calling on behalf on my son, please call me back" that may require 2-3 emails back and forth before I know what is needed and whether or not we can help. 
  6. Finally, try again. Most therapists in private practice are one-person shows: they don't have a receptionist or administrative help and they're juggling providing the services as well as managing the business. Multiply this by hundreds of requests and the fact that we are humans, and you've got mistakes. Sometimes we drop the ball on things: we miss an email, we respond to a voicemail but the parent's mailbox is full, we forget to follow up again later, we didn't have a chance to respond yet, etc. If you haven't heard back anything in a week or two, send a friendly follow-up email to ask again if there is any availability for a new client. 
Most therapists genuinely want to take on more clients, but recognize that there is a point at which we are no longer effective for anyone if we are trying to be effective for everyone. In general, we hate having to turn folks away. If you can't get your child in with a therapist for ongoing appointments, you might also consider asking for a one-time consultation or parent coaching session to brainstorm ways to support your child at home in the meantime. 
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Does My Child Need A Therapist?

6/17/2022

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Do you ever wonder if your child needs to talk to a therapist? Some parents want their child to have an existing relationship with a therapist so that if something difficult comes up they're already comfortable with talking with someone. Others want to seek someone out for a specific issue that they hope to get resolved. How do you determine when to seek out additional support? These three questions can help you decide. 
  •  Think about your primary concern. Is it an isolated incident, or is it a pattern you've seen repeatedly? Sometimes our own parental anxiety interferes with our ability to assess the situation. When we see something concerning it is difficult to see how big the concern is when we're in the middle of it. If the issue (example: social anxiety) is one you've witnessed once, it's far less likely to need intervention than if you've been noticing it for three months. 
  • Do you notice concern across different environments and contexts? If my child is only nervous when attempting a new activity, that is very different than a child who is anxious at school, at home, in comfortable situations, with friends, and trying new things. This doesn't mean that the anxiety your child experiences in new situations isn't valid or concerning, just that it may not indicate needing a professional's help at this time. 
  • Does your child indicate an interest in talking with someone? When a child is adamant that they won't speak to a therapist, I encourage parents not to force them to attend past the first session if they aren't a danger to themselves or others. Having permission to walk away can make kids and teens more likely to engage and less likely to feel the need for a power struggle. Forcing a child to attend therapy when they're refusing to talk is a waste of parental time and money, and can turn them off to therapy in the future. If a child does indicate a desire to talk with someone, that's a great sign that the timing is likely right and you've got an opportunity to support your child in obtaining a healthy resource and an open line of communication. 
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I wore the same dress everyday for 3 months and no one noticed, (and how that's related to parenting)

11/12/2021

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I recently completed the Wool& Hundred Day challenge. You wear a Wool& wool blend dress for 100 days in a row. It’s about sustainability (yes, I appreciate the irony that you have to buy a new dress to complete the challenge about sustainability) and longevity and simplifying. If you do the challenge for 100 days and send in photos, the company gives you a $100 gift certificate.

Because it’s a wool blend, it doesn’t absorb odors and you can wear it multiple times before washing. I was skeptical, but if there are two things I love it’s competitions and free things, so I was willing to try it. No, it wasn’t scratchy like I thought it would be. Yes, I really wore it every day. They recommend you wear it for a full 8 hours every day, but some days I didn't. I washed it about once a week and spot cleaned it as needed. No, it really didn’t smell. I have a sensitive nose, so I was surprised.

Yes, I took pictures most days. Some I’m at home, some I’m at my office, some I’m in the car. Many are at terrible angles with bad lighting. At least one includes me feeding chickens, one in a literal pig sty, and several I’m nearly asleep in bed. Some show my dirty mirror or piles of laundry in the background. I wore it plain. I added jackets. I added shirts. I wore it as a skirt. I wore it as a tank. I wore it under things and on top of things. I wore it with my Dolly Parton tees and my Dolly Parton leggings. I wore it with wedges and sneakers and boots and flats and sandals.

It’s not that no one noticed, but almost no one noticed. Even my husband who sees me get dressed every. single. day. didn’t notice until day 52. Fifty two! And all he said was “you in a black dress mood this week, hon?” This week? More like the past 6 weeks. None of my clients mentioned it. None of my colleagues noticed it. Two of my colleagues who knew I was doing it asked "is this the dress?" even though they'd already seen it day in and day out. My own mother asked when I was going to start the challenge when I'd been wearing it daily for a week already. A client at my office said with embarrassment "Oh, I ran into you last night and today I'm wearing the same thing because I didn't think I'd see anyone who I saw yesterday!" I hadn't noticed, and she of course didn't notice I was in the same thing either. It was a great reminder that people just generally don't notice or care what other people are wearing. Or doing. 

The phenomena that causes us to have an exaggerated view of our own significance to the people around us is called The Spotlight Effect. (Interesting fact- early experiments of this concept had college students in the 90s wearing an embarrassing Vanilla Ice t-shirt, and they almost always thought strangers noticed it more than they really did.) Just like my dress experiment, most parents feel as though they are being watched, judged, or critiqued for their parenting skills more than they actually are. In the therapy world we call these cognitive distortions, and this one specifically is an egocentric bias. It means we value our own perspective, and we assume others agree with it. So if we are embarrassed or ashamed about something (a Vanilla Ice t-shirt or reacting in anger to our kid) we assume others will find it embarrassing or shameful as well. 

Back to the dress- there were days I was slouchy, there were days I looked nice. There were days I was exhausted and phoning it in, there were days I was pretty close to killing it. By week two I was getting kind of tired of it and had to really be creative to stay interested. I don't get any additional prize if I have one hundred pictures and 97 of them look great. I will submit these photos to wool&, and I will get the gift certificate just for completing the challenge. And the same is true for parenting. There are days we are exhausted, there are days we're doing really well. There are days we feel excited and energized about parenting, and there are days we feel over it. There are some days we are merely surviving. We may feel as though other parents are judging our parenting, but honestly they are too exhausted and worried to even notice what we're doing. And there is no prize for looking really good while doing it. It's nice to be appreciated. Sometimes moms complain that no one notices all the things we do. If that is true, the good news is that no one notices all the things we do poorly either.  

If I had been determined for each of these pictures to look good, I never would have completed the challenge. I probably wouldn't have made it past day two. And I fought the urge to make them all look good, even though it was irrelevant. Perfectionism keeps us from enjoying things that are good enough, from celebrating the little wins, from being present.

Our kids would rather we show up for them in our imperfection than not at all. Maybe we have pb&js for dinner three times this week, but we get to snuggle a little longer because there's no clean up. So what that the kids sleep in tomorrow's clothes if it makes mornings easier? Yes, we had more than an ideal amount of screen time, but we also sat together and laughed together and shared the experience.  So the next time you are juggling a screaming toddler on the toy aisle at Target or your tween is telling you that you're the worst because "everyone else has a phone", remember this- others aren't noticing what you've got going on as much as you feel like they are, and perfection is the enemy of perfectly adequate. So carry that child out of the store with pride, and tell that kid he's never getting a phone, because you, mama, are a perfectly adequate parent. 


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Help! My kindergartener has a boyfriend!

8/17/2021

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I sometimes get questions from parents who are concerned that their elementary school child has a boyfriend or girlfriend. They rightfully don't want their child to grow up too fast or be too focused on romantic relationships while they are young. They may want their child to wait until he or she is older and can better understand the dynamics of these relationships and can enter into healthy relationships. Some parents feel "dating" is not age appropriate for young kids. I understand those concerns. I also know that many, many children whose parents forbid them from having a boyfriend or girlfriend have said to me as their therapist "I have a boyfriend. Don't tell my parents!"

Forbidding dating relationships for young kids doesn't guarantee they won't happen, but it nearly guarantees they won't talk with you about them. This can be a missed opportunity to talk about lots of important relationship dynamics, from consent to kindness to communication. It's sort of like how we help guide our kids when they're first learning to ride a bike. We stay close beside them, giving them pointers and helping them balance before we send them out to navigate on their own. Perhaps the most important benefit; starting these conversations young helps kids feel more confident and prepared for teen relationships, and more comfortable talking with parents about them. 

Some questions I ask parents when deciding if they want to forbid dating relationships for their kids:
  • Can you identify your specific concern about your child having a boyfriend or girlfriend? 
  • How will you enforce this rule? What is the consequence if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend at school?
  • What does having a boyfriend or girlfriend mean to your child? For some, it means just having a friend who is special to them. For others, it may mean saying they will get married one day. Having a boyfriend or girlfriend rarely means going on actual dates or engaging in sexual behavior for kids. 
  • How would it serve your child to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? How would it serve them to wait? 
  • What healthy boundaries would you want to put in place for your child's relationships at this age? Examples could be no "dates" until a certain age, no hanging out outside of school with groups or alone, or no sleepovers. 
  • What are your family's values about romantic relationships in general? Though these questions may not come up yet, you can begin using language that supports your values. That could be your views on same-sex relationships, treating others with respect, or having kids before marriage. 

Some questions parents might want to ask their kids before deciding if they will allow boyfriends or girlfriends: 
  • What's the difference in a girlfriend and a friend who is a girl? 
  • What makes someone a good boyfriend or girlfriend? 
  • What do you like about this person that made you want to have them as your boyfriend or girlfriend? 
  • Does the other person agree to being boyfriend/girlfriend?

Of course I am not suggesting that we push our children into romantic relationships if they aren't interested in them. If kids feel pressured by parents to be in a relationship, it can send confusing messages about why we enter into relationships and who can provide consent for them. On the other hand, I'm not suggesting we give up on rules and boundaries and allow kids to do whatever they want. However, if kids are naturally interested in a romantic relationship with a peer, it can be an age-appropriate opportunity to help them practice the relational skills they're developing with your support and supervision. 
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One week to less yelling challenge

4/9/2021

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We've all been there at one time or another- we've raised our voice, we've lost our patience, or we've responded to our kids in a way we wish we hadn't. Some people are regular yellers and for some it only happens occasionally, but none of us are immune to the pressures of parenting. Of course there are no perfect parents, but there's a fine line in pressuring ourselves to be perfect versus working to improve our relationships. 

On April 24th I'll formally launch my new e-course Positive Parenting for Behavior Change. To celebrate this launch, I'm doing a free One Week To Less Yelling group that will have FREE resources in it every morning, with a free live Q&A every evening! This will all happen in a  facebook group called One Week To Less Yelling With The Inherent Parent. Just join the group and hang tight until April 19-23rd, when we will do the official challenge!

PLUS, I'll be giving away a 60 minute consultation to one lucky group member. Invite a friend to join and you'll both be entered to win! 

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Protein For Kids

2/3/2021

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Sometimes my kids get so hangry that I am desperate for them to eat something. One of my kids is particularly picky, so I try to get some protein in him when I can, not knowing when or what he will eat next since his diet is 75% cheez-its. Here are some things we've found with some sneaky protein. His flavor recommendation is in parenthesis. 

LaLa Smoothies, 5g (mango)

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Clif Builder's Bars, 20g (mint chocolate chip)
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I think these are intended for body builders, as they have a whopping 20g of protein.
Van's Protein Waffles, 11g and Kodiak Power Waffles, 12g (original)
Clif Kidz Bars, 5g (chocolate chip)
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These aren't my favorites because they have 9g sugar for only 5g protein, but he'll eat them .
He doesn't like any type of cheese or lunch meat or any foods that touch each other, so we don't do sandwiches or casseroles, but we do try to incorporate
  • peanuts
  • trail mix
  • plain pepperoni 
  • key lime coladas- equal parts coconut cream, lime juice, and ice. Blend. 
  • greek yogurt (vanilla)
  • cereal with milk
  • protein pastas
  • beef jerky (mild)
  • peanut butter and apples​​

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When to be concerned about your child's mental health

1/24/2021

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When I do intakes with parents to get more information about how their child is doing, I ask "Are there any signs of depression or anxiety that you're concerned about?" Often parents say "what would that look like in a child?" The answer is that they have the same symptoms as adults, but they may show up differently. Look for:
  • changes in eating patterns 
    • loss of appetite
    • increase in appetite
    • eating fewer healthy foods
    • unable to try new foods
    • the operative word here is "changes". Look for any differences in their usual food patterns. If you've had a kid who's always been a picky eater and is still a picky eater, that is not indicative of a change. 
  • changes in sleeping patterns
    • increased need for sleep
    • decreased need for sleep
    • increased nightmares or night waking
    • difficulty falling asleep
    • increased fear or anxiety around sleep
  • irritability
    • just like with adults, irritability can be a sign of depression or anxiety in kids. 
    • Look for patterns over time. One day of irritability is not a pattern, it is a difficult day. Are you consistently seeing irritability or negativity, even in the face of something fun? 
  • aggression
    • just like with eating and sleeping patterns, focus on if this is a change. 
    • also consider if your child may be feeling more aggressive, even if not acting on those feelings. Examples would be increased threats of aggression to others, increased verbalization of aggression
  • difficulty focusing
    • this is difficult to assess when there are a lot of variables that change (for example, has your child started virtual learning, or more rigorous academics, or now has a teacher with a new teaching style? 
    • ask others (teachers, grandparents) if they've noticed any changes in focus
    • consider if your child can still focus on things they enjoy? 
  • loss of pleasure in activities they formerly enjoyed
    • again, we want to assess for patterns over time, not an isolated event
    • if swinging on the swings in the yard was their favorite activity and now doesn't seem enjoyable, that might be relevant. 
    • if they don't enjoy the swings because now they're really into beyblades and they're enjoying that instead, that is likely not indicative of a concern. 
  • increased headaches or stomach aches not related to a physical or medical concern
    • the child may not associate the physical complaint with the anxiety or depression
    • do these complaints persist when the child is doing an activity they enjoy? Or do they only occur when it is time for homework to start? 
  • suicidal ideation
    • if your child says that they want to hurt themselves or others, take their statement seriously. 
    • you can call the national suicide prevention hotline at 800-273-8255
  • below is an infographic to help you remember these signs. 
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Having fun with sight words

1/21/2021

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I recently had a parent share with me that learning sight words was a real struggle at home. I tend to lean more toward the don't-stress-out-about-academics for young kids, but if you want some fun ways to incorporate sight words, I've got some ideas. 
  • Sight Word Ninja is a game you can download on your phone. It's like fruit ninja, in that you try to chop the correct sight word in half. It's free. 
  • Use Alpha-bits cereal to have the child spell out each word on a placemat. After they read the word, they can eat the word. For an easier version, the adult can have all the words already spelled. 
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  • Write or print sight words on index cards and put them all over the house. Have your child read one when they're getting into bed, sitting down to breakfast, or going outside to play. 
  • Use those same cards to make a scavenger hunt. Hide the cards in different locations and have the child go and look for them. They get one point for each one they can say when they return it to you. 
  • Sight Words Swat- this game comes with sight words and plastic fly swatters. One person calls out the sight word and the first person to swat that word wins that word. If you're already making index cards of sight words, you can also do this at home easily by just adding a fly swatter. ​
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  • Practice writing sight words using play doh and a skewer. (I don't recommend this if your child is prone to making things into weapons). 
  • Have your child write the sight word with their finger in sand. 
  • Use foam bath letters to spell out the sight word in the tub and have the child sink them as they say them. 
  • Use refrigerator magnets to spell part of a sight word and have your child guess which one it will be. 
  • ​Watch these monsters from Sesame Street push words together and then have your child do the same with foam letters. 
  • Use alphabet cookies to write sight words (my personal favorites are the Trader Joe's Schoolhouse cookies) and then add various letters in to make new words. Example: AND becomes BAND or LAND. The child can eat any they read, and the parent gets to eat the leftover letters. 
  • Sight word BINGO. If you've made sight words cards, lie them in a grid in front of your child face up. Call out a sight word, and if they have it, they turn it over. The first one to get 3 in a row wins. 
  • If you've got sight words cards, lay them all out on the floor so the child can see them (if sight words are new or difficult, just choose 2-3 to start with). Pretend to be a doctor at a doctor's office, and tell your child you need him to call a certain sight word from the waiting room to come back to see the doctor. Tell the child the word and have them choose the correct one. This can work for anything they're interested in- it could be someone fishing for the right word, or loading the right word onto a freight train or bringing the right word to Cookie Monster for him to eat. 
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    Author

    Leigh Ellen has been a child therapist for the past 15 years and is now sharing lots of fun and helpful ideas for parents here. 

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