If you've made the decision that your child could benefit from working with a therapist, how do you go about finding one? It can be harder than you'd think. 
First of all, there is a national shortage of child therapists, unfortunately. The pandemic has exacerbated that, as some therapists who previously worked with children moved to seeing clients virtually and weren't comfortable doing so with kids. Second, the pandemic created a bigger demand in the need for child providers, as referrals increased in both quantity and intensity.  Here is a step-by-step guide to finding someone: 

1. Have an idea of what you're looking for. Do you want someone who specializes in working with kids, or is someone who works with kids in addition to every other age okay? Do you want someone well versed in treatments for trauma, anxiety, or divorce, or are you looking for someone who knows a little bit about everything? Is it important that the therapist has toys available in their office for sessions, or would strictly talk-therapy work for your child? Knowing the answers to these things can help you narrow down what you want in a therapist, and even better, what you don't. 
2. Do you need to use health insurance? If so, start there. Go to the website that's listed on the back of your insurance card to find out which providers in your area are paneled with your insurance. You can investigate some of those therapists and cross reference them with the things you were interested in from step one. 
3. Now the next step should be that you call a few of the providers that matched in steps one and two and make an appointment. Unfortunately that's not usually the case. Step three will really be that you find a therapist you think could be a good fit, call to make an appointment, and they are not accepting new clients. In that case, step three becomes get on as many waiting lists as you can. There's no obligation to book something with them if you've found another therapist first, but if you've spent three months looking for a therapist to no avail, you could have possibly been next up on someone else's waiting list in that time. 
4. Note if you have flexibility. Do you have a flexible schedule? Let the office know on your first call that you could bring your child during the day. After- school appointments fill up fastest, then early morning slots. Sometimes the 11am appointments may be difficult to fill, so you could be more likely to get one of those if you can come in the middle of the day. The same goes for other areas: flexibility in in-person vs. virtual sessions, insurance vs. paying out of pocket, and in specific therapist is going to make the pool of possible therapists exponentially larger.
5. If you have to leave a message or fill out a form online, concisely mention a little about what's going on and how you can be flexible, if possible. "Hi, this is Jane Smith calling on behalf of my 5 year old, John. We're looking for someone who works with kids with anxiety, we have ABC Healthcare, and we can come at any time." I can easily answer that request in one quick email- I know immediately if we can accommodate that need. If the message says "Hi this is Jane calling on behalf on my son, please call me back" that may require 2-3 emails back and forth before I know what is needed and whether or not we can help. 
6. Finally, try again. Most therapists in private practice are one-person shows: they don't have a receptionist or administrative help and they're juggling providing the services as well as managing the business. Multiply this by hundreds of requests and the fact that we are humans, and you've got mistakes. Sometimes we drop the ball on things: we miss an email, we respond to a voicemail but the parent's mailbox is full, we forget to follow up again later, we didn't have a chance to respond yet, etc. If you haven't heard back anything in a week or two, send a friendly follow-up email to ask again if there is any availability for a new client. 

Most therapists genuinely want to take on more clients, but recognize that there is a point at which we are no longer effective for anyone if we are trying to be effective for everyone. In general, we hate having to turn folks away. If you can't get your child in with a therapist for ongoing appointments, you might also consider asking for a one-time consultation or parent coaching session to brainstorm ways to support your child at home in the meantime. 

Do you ever wonder if your child needs to talk to a therapist? Some parents want their child to have an existing relationship with a therapist so that if something difficult comes up they're already comfortable with talking with someone. Others want to seek someone out for a specific issue that they hope to get resolved. How do you determine when to seek out additional support? These three questions can help you decide. 

•  Think about your primary concern. Is it an isolated incident, or is it a pattern you've seen repeatedly? Sometimes our own parental anxiety interferes with our ability to assess the situation. When we see something concerning it is difficult to see how big the concern is when we're in the middle of it. If the issue (example: social anxiety) is one you've witnessed once, it's far less likely to need intervention than if you've been noticing it for three months. 
• Do you notice concern across different environments and contexts? If my child is only nervous when attempting a new activity, that is very different than a child who is anxious at school, at home, in comfortable situations, with friends, and trying new things. This doesn't mean that the anxiety your child experiences in new situations isn't valid or concerning, just that it may not indicate needing a professional's help at this time. 
• Does your child indicate an interest in talking with someone? When a child is adamant that they won't speak to a therapist, I encourage parents not to force them to attend past the first session if they aren't a danger to themselves or others. Having permission to walk away can make kids and teens more likely to engage and less likely to feel the need for a power struggle. Forcing a child to attend therapy when they're refusing to talk is a waste of parental time and money, and can turn them off to therapy in the future. If a child does indicate a desire to talk with someone, that's a great sign that the timing is likely right and you've got an opportunity to support your child in obtaining a healthy resource and an open line of communication. 

I sometimes get questions from parents who are concerned that their elementary school child has a boyfriend or girlfriend. They rightfully don't want their child to grow up too fast or be too focused on romantic relationships while they are young. They may want their child to wait until he or she is older and can better understand the dynamics of these relationships and can enter into healthy relationships. Some parents feel "dating" is not age appropriate for young kids. I understand those concerns. I also know that many, many children whose parents forbid them from having a boyfriend or girlfriend have said to me as their therapist "I have a boyfriend. Don't tell my parents!"

Forbidding dating relationships for young kids doesn't guarantee they won't happen, but it nearly guarantees they won't talk with you about them. This can be a missed opportunity to talk about lots of important relationship dynamics, from consent to kindness to communication. It's sort of like how we help guide our kids when they're first learning to ride a bike. We stay close beside them, giving them pointers and helping them balance before we send them out to navigate on their own. Perhaps the most important benefit; starting these conversations young helps kids feel more confident and prepared for teen relationships, and more comfortable talking with parents about them. 

Some questions I ask parents when deciding if they want to forbid dating relationships for their kids:

• Can you identify your specific concern about your child having a boyfriend or girlfriend? 
• How will you enforce this rule? What is the consequence if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend at school?
• What does having a boyfriend or girlfriend mean to your child? For some, it means just having a friend who is special to them. For others, it may mean saying they will get married one day. Having a boyfriend or girlfriend rarely means going on actual dates or engaging in sexual behavior for kids. 
• How would it serve your child to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? How would it serve them to wait? 
• What healthy boundaries would you want to put in place for your child's relationships at this age? Examples could be no "dates" until a certain age, no hanging out outside of school with groups or alone, or no sleepovers. 
• What are your family's values about romantic relationships in general? Though these questions may not come up yet, you can begin using language that supports your values. That could be your views on same-sex relationships, treating others with respect, or having kids before marriage. 

Some questions parents might want to ask their kids before deciding if they will allow boyfriends or girlfriends: 

• What's the difference in a girlfriend and a friend who is a girl? 
• What makes someone a good boyfriend or girlfriend? 
• What do you like about this person that made you want to have them as your boyfriend or girlfriend? 
• Does the other person agree to being boyfriend/girlfriend?

Of course I am not suggesting that we push our children into romantic relationships if they aren't interested in them. If kids feel pressured by parents to be in a relationship, it can send confusing messages about why we enter into relationships and who can provide consent for them. On the other hand, I'm not suggesting we give up on rules and boundaries and allow kids to do whatever they want. However, if kids are naturally interested in a romantic relationship with a peer, it can be an age-appropriate opportunity to help them practice the relational skills they're developing with your support and supervision. 

We've all been there at one time or another- we've raised our voice, we've lost our patience, or we've responded to our kids in a way we wish we hadn't. Some people are regular yellers and for some it only happens occasionally, but none of us are immune to the pressures of parenting. Of course there are no perfect parents, but there's a fine line in pressuring ourselves to be perfect versus working to improve our relationships. 

On April 24th I'll formally launch my new e-course Positive Parenting for Behavior Change. To celebrate this launch, I'm doing a free One Week To Less Yelling group that will have FREE resources in it every morning, with a free live Q&A every evening! This will all happen in a  facebook group called One Week To Less Yelling With The Inherent Parent. Just join the group and hang tight until April 19-23rd, when we will do the official challenge!

PLUS, I'll be giving away a 60 minute consultation to one lucky group member. Invite a friend to join and you'll both be entered to win! 

Sometimes my kids get so hangry that I am desperate for them to eat something. One of my kids is particularly picky, so I try to get some protein in him when I can, not knowing when or what he will eat next since his diet is 75% cheez-its. Here are some things we've found with some sneaky protein. His flavor recommendation is in parenthesis. 

LaLa Smoothies, 5g (mango)
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